l watching the soul for which he is
responsible. All men of talent, whether they be men of feeling or not;
whether they be zealots, or aspirants, or despots--provided only they be
sincere--have their sublime moments, when they subdue and rule. I felt
veneration for St. John--veneration so strong that its impetus thrust me
at once to the point I had so long shunned. I was tempted to cease
struggling with him--to rush down the torrent of his will into the gulf
of his existence, and there lose my own. I was almost as hard beset by
him now as I had been once before, in a different way, by another. I was
a fool both times. To have yielded then would have been an error of
principle; to have yielded now would have been an error of judgment. So
I think at this hour, when I look back to the crisis through the quiet
medium of time: I was unconscious of folly at the instant.

I stood motionless under my hierophant's touch. My refusals were
forgotten--my fears overcome--my wrestlings paralysed. The
Impossible--_i.e._, my marriage with St. John--was fast becoming the
Possible. All was changing utterly with a sudden sweep. Religion
called--Angels beckoned--God commanded--life rolled together like a
scroll--death's gates opening, showed eternity beyond: it seemed, that
for safety and bliss there, all here might be sacrificed in a second. The
dim room was full of visions.

"Could you decide now?" asked the missionary. The inquiry was put in
gentle tones: he drew me to him as gently. Oh, that gentleness! how far
more potent is it than force! I could resist St. John's wrath: I grew
pliant as a reed under his kindness. Yet I knew all the time, if I
yielded now, I should not the less be made to repent, some day, of my
former rebellion. His nature was not changed by one hour of solemn
prayer: it was only elevated.

"I could decide if I were but certain," I answered: "were I but convinced
that it is God's will I should marry you, I could vow to marry you here
and now--come afterwards what would!"

"My prayers are heard!" ejaculated St. John. He pressed his hand firmer
on my head, as if he claimed me: he surrounded me with his arm, _almost_
as if he loved me (I say _almost_--I knew the difference--for I had felt
what it was to be loved; but, like him, I had now put love out of the
question, and thought only of duty). I contended with my inward dimness
of vision, before which clouds yet rolled. I sincerely, deeply,
ferv