What could I say to such a man as this? Amiable, incomparable man! Never
was my mind more painfully divided than at that moment. The more he
excited my admiration, the more imperiously did my heart command me,
whatever were the price it should cost, to extort his friendship. I was
persuaded that severe duty required of him, that he should reject all
personal considerations, that he should proceed resolutely to the
investigation of the truth, and that, if he found the result terminating
in my favour, he should resign all his advantages, and, deserted as I
was by the world, make a common cause, and endeavour to compensate the
general injustice. But was it for me to force this conduct upon him, if,
now in his declining years, his own fortitude shrank from it? Alas,
neither he nor I foresaw the dreadful catastrophe that was so closely
impending! Otherwise, I am well assured that no tenderness for his
remaining tranquillity would have withheld him from a compliance with my
wishes! On the other hand, could I pretend to know what evils might
result to him from his declaring himself my advocate? Might not his
integrity be browbeaten and defeated, as mine had been? Did the
imbecility of his grey hairs afford no advantage to my terrible
adversary in the contest? Might not Mr. Falkland reduce him to a
condition as wretched and low as mine? After all, was it not vice in me
to desire to involve another man in my sufferings? If I regarded them as
intolerable, this was still an additional reason why I should bear them
alone.

Influenced by these considerations, I assented to his views. I assented
to be thought hardly of by the man in the world whose esteem I most
ardently desired, rather than involve him in possible calamity. I
assented to the resigning what appeared to me at that moment as the last
practicable comfort of my life; a comfort, upon the thought of which,
while I surrendered it, my mind dwelt with undescribable longings. Mr.
Collins was deeply affected with the apparent ingenuousness with which I
expressed my feelings. The secret struggle of his mind was, "Can this be
hypocrisy? The individual with whom I am conferring, if virtuous, is one
of the most disinterestedly virtuous persons in the world." We tore
ourselves from each other. Mr. Collins promised, as far as he was able,
to have an eye upon my vicissitudes, and to assist me, in every respect
that was consistent with a just recollection of consequences. Thus I
pa