the lady of the house brought
them into active and vigorous operation. The inquiry was of course
touching the lady's health, and the answer happened to be, that she had
not been very well. 'Oh, my dear!' said the egotistical lady, 'don't
talk of not being well. We have been in _such_ a state since we saw you
last!'--The lady of the house happening to remark that her lord had not
been well either, the egotistical gentleman struck in: 'Never let Briggs
complain of not being well--never let Briggs complain, my dear Mrs.
Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks. He doesn't
know what it is to be ill, he hasn't the least idea of it; not the
faintest conception.'--'My dear,' interposed his wife smiling, 'you talk
as if it were almost a crime in Mr. Briggs not to have been as ill as we
have been, instead of feeling thankful to Providence that both he and our
dear Mrs. Briggs are in such blissful ignorance of real suffering.'--'My
love,' returned the egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, 'you
mistake me;--I feel grateful--very grateful. I trust our friends may
never purchase their experience as dearly as we have bought ours; I hope
they never may!'

Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the question
thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a few
preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the point he
had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted with the
Dowager Lady Snorflerer. On our replying in the negative, he presumed we
had often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that we were on intimate
terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog. Finding that we were equally unable to
lay claim to either of these distinctions, he expressed great
astonishment, and turning to his wife with a retrospective smile,
inquired who it was that had told that capital story about the mashed
potatoes. 'Who, my dear?' returned the egotistical lady, 'why Sir
Chipkins, of course; how can you ask! Don't you remember his applying it
to our cook, and saying that you and I were so like the Prince and
Princess, that he could almost have sworn we were they?' 'To be sure, I
remember that,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'but are you quite
certain that didn't apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of
Austria and the pump?' 'Upon my word then, I think it did,' replied his
wife. 'To be sure it did,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'it was
Slang's story, I rememb