Uncle Israel. "Him, as never see Ebeneezer."

"He has never," continued the poet, with difficulty, "rung my door bell at
night, nor eaten me out of house and home, nor written begging letters--"
this phrase was well-nigh inaudible--"nor had fits on me----"

Here there was a pause and all eyes were fastened upon Uncle Israel.

"'T wa'n't a fit!" he screamed. "It was a involuntary spasm brought on by
takin' two searchin' medicines too near together. 'T wa'n't a fit!"

"Nor children----"

"The idea!" snapped Mrs. Holmes. "Poor little Ebbie and Rebbie had to be
born somewhere."

"Nor paralysis----"

"That was Cousin Si Martin," said Mrs. Dodd, half to herself. "He was took
bad with it in the night."

"He has never come to spend Christmas with me and remained until the
ensuing dog days, nor sent me a crayon portrait of himself"--Mr. Perkins
faltered here, but nobly went on--"nor had typhoid fever, nor finished up
his tuberculosis, nor cut teeth, nor set the house on fire with a bath
cabinet----"

At this juncture Uncle Israel was so overcome with violent emotion that it
was some time before the reading could proceed.

"Never having come into any kind of relations with my dear nephew, James
Harlan Carr," continued Mr. Perkins, in troubled tones, "I have shown my
gratitude in this humble way. To him I give the house and all my
furniture, my books and personal effects of every kind, my farm in Hill
County, two thousand acres, all improved and clear of incumbrance, except
blooded stock,----"

"I never knowed 'e 'ad no farm," interrupted Mrs. Smithers.

"And the ten thousand and eighty-four dollars in the City Bank which at
this writing is there to my credit, but will be duly transferred, and my
dear Rebecca's diamond pin to be given to my beloved nephew's wife when he
marries. It is all in my will, which my dear friend Jeremiah Bradford has,
and which he will read at the proper time to those concerned."

"The old snake!" shrieked Mrs. Holmes.

"Further," went on the poet, almost past speech by this time, "I direct
that the remainder of my estate, which is here in this box, shall be
divided as follows:

"Eight cents each to that loafer, Si Martin, his lazy wife, and their
eight badly brought-up children, with instructions to be generous to any
additions to said children through matrimony or natural causes; Fanny Wood
and that poor, white-livered creature she married, thereby proving her own
idiocy if it needed p