d as to
be calling foul names, and well-nigh threatening fisticuffs, while the
corpse of my Grandmother was in the house. But of the body of those who
were bidden to this sad ceremony, I had no knowledge whatsoever. For
aught I knew, they might have been players or bullies and Piccadilly
captains, or mere undertaker's men dressed up in fine clothes; yet,
believe me, it is no foolish pride, or a dead vanity, that prompts me to
surmise that there were those who came to my Grandmother's funeral who
had a Claim to be reckoned amongst the very noblest and proudest in the
land. Beneath the great mourning cloaks and scarves, I could see
diamond stars glistening, and the brave sheen of green and crimson
ribbons. I desire in this particularity to confine myself strictly to
the Truth, and therefore make no vain boast of a Blue Ribbon being seen
there, thus denoting the presence of a Knight of the most noble Order of
the Garter. I leave it to mine enemies to lie, and to cowardly Jacks to
boast of their own exploits. This brave gathering was not void of women;
but they were closely veiled and impenetrably shrouded in their mourning
weeds, so that of their faces and their figures I am not qualified to
speak; and if you would ask me that which I remember chiefly of the
noble gentlemen who were present, I can say with conscience, that beyond
their stars and ribbons, I was only stricken by their monstrous and
portentous Periwigs, which towered in the candle-light like so many
great tufts of plumage atop of the Pope's Baldaquin, which I have seen
so many times staggering through the great aisles of St. Peter's at
Rome.

Your humble servant, and truly humble and forlorn he was that night, was
placed at the coffin's head; it being part of that black night's sport
to hold me as chief mourner; and, indeed, poor wretch, I had much to
mourn for. The great plumed hat they had put upon me flapped and swaled
over my eyes so as almost to blind me. My foot was for ever catching in
my great mourning cloak, and I on the verge of tripping myself up; and
there was a hot smoke sweltering from the tapers, and a dreadful smell
of new black cloth and sawdust and beeswax, that was like to have
suffocated me. Infinite was the relief when two of the ladies attired in
black, who had sat on either side of me, as though to guard me from
running away, lifted me gently each under an armpit, and held me up so
that I could see the writing on the coffin-plate, which