is not something of an offence, and that not
even one possessing the loveliness of Ninon de l'Enclos can look anything
but a monstrous spectacle when a crumb "goes down the wrong way." But
there are other "pitfalls" which it is in the power of all of us to
avoid, and the "pitfall" of eating ungracefully is not the least among
them.

_Modern Clothes_

I often think that, if those "Old walls only could speak"--as the
"tripper" yearns for them to do, because he can't think of anything else
to remark at the moment--all they would say to him would be the words,
"For God's sake, you guys, CLEAR OUT!" As a matter of fact, it is just
as well that old walls can't talk, or they might tell us what they
thought of us; and you can't knock out a stone wall--at least, not with
any prospect of success--in a couple of rounds. For we must look very
absurd in the eyes of those who have watched mankind get more absurd and
more absurd-looking throughout the ages. Take, for example, our clothes.
No one could possibly call them comfortable, and, were we not so used to
seeing them ourselves, we should probably call them ugly as well. In the
autumn of 1914 we suddenly woke up to the fact that we belonged to a very
good-looking nation. It was, of course, the cut of the uniform which
effected this transformation. It not only showed off a man's figure, but
it often showed it up--and that is the first and biggest step towards a
man improving it. Sometimes it gave a man a figure who before possessed
merely elongation with practically no width. But the days of khaki are
over--thank God for the cause, but aesthetically it's a pity. We have
returned to the drab and shoddy days of dress before the war, and men
look more shoddy and more drab than ever.

Surely clothes are designed, apart from their warmth, to make the best
show of the body which is in them. Having discovered that style in which
the average man or woman looks his very best, it seemed so needlessly
ridiculous to keep changing it. Beauty and comfort--that surely is the
_raison d'etre_ of apparel--apart from modesty, which, however, a few fig
leaves can satisfy. Fashion opens the gate, as it were, and we pass
through it, one by one, like foolish sheep--without a sheep's general
utility. Mr. Smith, who is short, fat, and podgy, dresses exactly like
Mr. Brown, who is tall, muscular, and well proportioned. Mr. Smith would
not look so dreadful if he wore a coat well "skirt