, and I knew that it was not because I had done wrong, but
because I had put myself into a new set of conditions that life would be
different now. I knew these things, and I went back to College.

"I had never thought about God before, never at all. I had been entirely
heathen. Now I was sure of His existence in the way that one is sure of
wood when one touches it or water when one drinks it.

"But I did not know at all what kind of God He was. I went to a Revival
meeting, but He was not there. He was not in the College Chapel. He was
not in any forms or ceremonies that I could discover. He might choose
to appear to other men in those different ways but not to me. Then a
fellow, Lawrence, told me about some old worship---Druids and their
altars--but He was not there. And all those days I was increasingly
conscious that there was some one who would not let me alone. It
fastened itself in my mind gradually as a Pursuit, and it seemed to me
too that, as the days passed, I began slowly to understand the nature
of the Pursuer--that He was kind and tender but also relentless,
remorseless. I was frightened. I flung myself into College things--games
and every kind of noise because I was so afraid of silence. And all the
time some one urged me to obedience. That was all that He demanded, that
I should be passive and obey His orders. I would have given in, I think,
very soon, but I met you."

Her hand tightened in his and then, because he felt that her body was
trembling, he put his arm round her and held her.

"I knew then when I loved you that I was being urged, by this God, to
confess everything to you. I became frightened; I should have trusted
you, but it was so great a risk. You were all that I had and if I
lost you life would have gone too. Those aren't mere words. . . . I
struggled, I tried every way of escape. And then everything betrayed me.
Rupert began to suspect, then to be sure. Whether I flung myself into
everything or hid in my room it was the same--God came closer and
closer. It was a perfectly real experience and I could see Him as a
great Shadow--not unkind, loving me, but relentless. Then the day came
that I proposed to you and I fainted. I knew then that I was not to be
allowed so easy a happiness. Still I struggled, but now God seemed to
have shut off all the real world and only left me the unreal one--and I
began to be afraid that I was going mad."

She suddenly bent down and kissed him; she stayed then