"Millie, you know how to light a fire. Garnet and I will be collecting
cups and things. When that scoundrel Beale arrives I shall tear him
limb from limb. Deserting us like this! The man must be a thorough
fraud. He told me he was an old soldier. If that's the sort of
discipline they used to keep in his regiment, thank God, we've got a
Navy! Damn, I've broken a plate. How's the fire getting on, Millie?
I'll chop Beale into little bits. What's that you've got there, Garny
old horse? Tea? Good. Where's the bread? There goes another plate.
Where's Mrs. Beale, too? By Jove, that woman wants killing as much as
her blackguard of a husband. Whoever heard of a cook deliberately
leaving her post on the day when her master and mistress were expected
back? The abandoned woman. Look here, I'll give that dog three minutes,
and if it doesn't stop scratching that door by then, I'll take a
rolling pin and go out and have a heart-to-heart talk with it. It's a
little hard. My own house, and the first thing I find when I arrive is
somebody else's beastly dog scratching holes in the doors and ruining
the expensive paint. Stop it, you brute!"

The dog's reply was to continue his operations with immense vigour.

Ukridge's eyes gleamed behind their glasses.

"Give me a good large jug, laddie," he said with ominous calm.

He took the largest of the jugs from the dresser and strode with it
into the scullery, whence came a sound of running water. He returned
carrying the jug with both hands, his mien that of a general who sees
his way to a masterstroke of strategy.

"Garny, old horse," he said, "freeze onto the handle of the door, and,
when I give the word, fling wide the gates. Then watch that animal get
the surprise of a lifetime."

I attached myself to the handle as directed. Ukridge gave the word. We
had a momentary vision of an excited dog of the mongrel class framed in
the open doorway, all eyes and teeth; then the passage was occupied by
a spreading pool, and indignant barks from the distance told that the
enemy was thinking the thing over in some safe retreat.

"Settled _his_ hash," said Ukridge complacently. "Nothing like
resource, Garny my boy. Some men would have gone on letting a good door
be ruined."

"And spoiled the dog for a ha'porth of water," I said.

At this moment Mrs. Ukridge announced that the kettle was boiling. Over
a cup of tea Ukridge became the man of business.

"I wonder when those fowls are going to arriv