I greatly value
genius--would induce me to relinquish honest labor, even if it advances
slowly or does not reach the goal at all. This is my piety since I lack
any other. Genius and devotion are probably incongruous, but without
the consciousness of being absorbed in quiet honest devotion, in
studying the mystery of life, not even our brief existence would not be
worth the trouble of living.

"_End of July_.--I have worked hard at my studies from nature. I think
these industrious months which have filled my portfolio, must have done
me good; for I now believe I am on the track of my own views and
opinions, and have freed myself as much as possible from what I
learned, which never satisfied me.

"True, while I was doing so my journal has been neglected. I have
painted until not only sight and hearing, but thought failed. If
absorption in nature and art could content me, I should have
experienced a few months of perfect happiness.

"Aunt Valentin has brought to the house a young man whom she holds in
the highest esteem, an artist who belongs to the Nazarene school, not
without talent and not unattractive, but in spite of his St John's
head, as Aunt calls it, he will never be dangerous to me.

"_August_ 2_d_,--When I think I must some day belong to a husband, I am
always filled with fear, so greatly do I feel the need of loving,
yielding up my heart, in whose depths many things are unchained which
will some day burst forth like hot springs. But I know that I can only
deliver up my life to a man, when he is what I have so often sought in
books--a very Saviour; when he is so far above me in strength,
goodness, and intellect, that I can always receive from him, no matter
how often I ask. It is said to be more blessed to give than to receive.
But in marriage, it seems to me, since a woman gives her all, she ought
to receive more than her all. It may be that these are dreams woven in
a girl's idle brain, and that in reality such a union of two in one is
impossible. At least my own parents, exemplary as they were, my good
aunt and all the other happy married people I have seen, do not
correspond with this ideal. However, there will be plenty of time to
lower my standard when it is necessary.

"3_rd_.--Aunt Valentin has just been talking about N--r. She said he
esteemed me very highly, loved me warmly, and should consider himself
happy if he could win my affection and make me his wife. I have seen it
coming, and my answer w