"

"That is what every romantic woman starts out with, but by and by, in
the storm and stress of domestic life, that ideal is cast overboard, as
a struggling ship throws its extra cargo over the rail."

"Why is it, I wonder, a man never fights with his father-in-law. Men
are said to be naturally pugnacious."

"That's a mistake, my dear; a man would go several miles any day to
avoid a fuss; it is we women who delight in scraps. A man occasionally
has a little set-to with the girl's father, before he gains his consent
to the engagement, but once he's married, it's the old lady he has to
train for, or I should say who trains for him, because as a general
thing it is she who gives battle, not he. The real conflict, however,
takes place between the two women--the wife and her mother-in-law. If you
want to see 'de fur fly,' as the darkies say, you must always come over
to the feminine side of the house. Then you'll have your fill of
explanations, expostulations, and recriminations."

"Well, certainly I never had any trouble with my father-in-law."

"Trouble! Do you know what I'd do, if I had a troublesome
father-in-law?"

"No--murder him?"

"Murder him, indeed! Woman, have you no mercantile instinct? That would
be like killing the goose that lays the golden egg. Why, the first
showman would take the old gentleman off my hands, and pay me a handsome
price for him. You must know that a troublesome father-in-law is so rare
that the public would flock to see him. But you couldn't get anything
for a troublesome mother-in-law. There are too many families trying to
get rid of them, at any price. The sale of parents-in-law is governed by
the same laws as other commodities, and these interfering,
mischief-making mothers-in-law have become a drug in the market."

"Well, there is Mrs. Earnest, her mother-in-law is a jewel."

"Ah, now you mention a most valuable piece of property, for a woman like
that--who models her conduct on the pattern of Aunt Betsey Trotwood, in
David Copperfield's household, is a jewel of such magnitude and
brilliancy, that she will some day be seen sparkling in Abraham's bosom,
from a distance of millions of miles."

"Well, how would you cook mothers-in-law?"

"Make a delicious dish of your husband and then take a pinch--a good
pinch--of mother-in-law, and throw her in as 'sass.' Speaking of this,
remember that too many cooks spoil the broth, and wife and mother-in-law
combined generally make a prett