the housemaid.

The housemaid said she was a housemaid, and didn't understand stoves.
She had always lived where kitchen-maids were kept.

I said calmly, "Oh, well, it's fortunate that I am a woman, and can cook
for the lot of you until help comes. Perhaps you will kindly bring tea
into the hall, and then get your own as quickly as possible. I shall
require the kitchen by six o'clock."

They were horribly discomposed, and I left them murmuring vaguely in
protest, very pleased with myself and my fine womanly attitude, though
at the bottom of my heart I knew quite well that Bridget would come to
the rescue, and never a saucepan should I be allowed to touch.

As a matter of fact the good soul descended on the slackers like a
whirlwind, and the while she drove them before her, treated them to an
eloquent lecture upon the future sufferings, privations, rebellions, and
retaliations of the prospective husbands of females who had grown to
woman's estate, and yet could not cook a meal. Through the green baize
door I could hear the continuous torrent of invective, broken at first
by protest, later on by soft exclamations of surprise, and finally--oh,
the relief of that moment!--by an uncontrollable explosion of laughter.
The Cockney mind is keenly alive to humour, and when a racy Irishwoman
gets fairly started on a favourite subject, the delicious contradictions
of her denunciations are hard to beat! That laughter saved the
situation, and the domestic wheels began to move.

Charmion wrote to an emergency lady in town. I didn't see the letter,
but I diagnosed its tone. Peremptory and--lavish! Wages no object, but
speed essential, or words to that effect. Anyway, in two days' time a
married couple arrived, were pleased to approve of us, and settled down
with the air of coming to stay. She was an excellent cook, and he
seemed a rather indifferent gardener, which just suited our views. If
gardeners are experts they want their own way, insist on bedding-out,
carpet-beds, and similar atrocities. We meant to run our garden on
different lines!

Hurrah! I am so relieved. The truants have _not_ gone to Uplands. I
met the cook in the village to-day, recognised her, and tackled her to
her face. She flushed and wriggled, looked uncomfortable, but not as
penitent as I should have liked to have seen.

"Was it necessary to wait until we had actually arrived, before letting
us know that you had changed your mind?"

She st