NK I'M INTOXICATED?"

_Constable._ "YES, I SHOULD CERTAINLY SAY YOU WERE."

_Injured Party._ "WELL, I'M QUITE WILLING TO BE _ANALYSED_."]

* * * * *

Musical Criticism.

"Sir John French had stultified himself singing the order."--_Irish
Independent._

Personally we sing it over to ourselves in the bath every morning--all
except the last two paragraphs.

* * * * *

Messrs. BELL quote the following appreciative notice of one of their
spelling books:--

"The spelling exercises, largely alliterative--e.g., 'A Beach-tree,
a sandy beach'--are quite attractive, and once in the mind remain
there."--_School Guardian._

This attractive way of spelling "beech-tree" will not, we hope, remain
indefinitely in the minds of our readers.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _First Clubman._ "WELL, HOW ARE YOU?"

_Second Clubman._ "ER--SO-SO, PERHAPS. LAST WEEK I THOUGHT I WAS IN FOR
RHEUMATIC FEVER, BUT JUST MANAGED TO STAVE IT OFF, AND TO-DAY A TWINGE
IN MY LEFT SHOULDER SUGGESTS--WELL, IT MAY BE NEURITIS OR----"

_First Clubman._ "MY DEAR CHAP, I DIDN'T MEAN IT _LITERALLY_."]

* * * * *

LIBERALS DAY BY DAY.

_March 23._--During the course of a heated debate Mr. Joshua Dredgwood,
M.P., said that, in spite of the Parliament Act, the House of Lords
still dominated the situation. If there was a General Election next week
it would be fought on a cry of the Proletariat against the Peers. The
entire Liberal Party rose to its feet and cheered the speaker for seven
minutes, waving hats, order papers and pocket-handkerchiefs.

_March 24._--Answering a question put by Mr. Connor Shaw, the PREMIER
stated that he had decided to retire from the House of Commons and lead
the Party from the House of Lords. The entire Liberal Party was
convulsed with irrepressible enthusiasm and cheered the PREMIER'S
announcement for nine minutes, many Members removing their collars and
ties and waving them in delirious excitement.

_March 25._--A reference to the Welsh Church Bill by a member of the
Opposition elicited an epoch-making remark from Mr. Haydn Tooth, M.P. He
said that the English Church blocked every measure of social reform so
effectually that unless it was immediately disestablished and every
archbishop and bishop deported to the Antarctic regions civil war would
break out in a week. All re