ry large, stately old man. An "anthropomorphic deity." Fiske says
that is the God of the lower peoples; that was my God. Also I realize
this--that, somehow, some God, _the_ God if I can get to Him, might
help might be my only chance. What do you think? Is this any better?
Is it any step? If it is, it's a very precarious one, for though it
thrills me to my bones sometimes to think that a real power might lift
me and bring me through, if I just ask Him, yet sometimes all that hope
goes and I drop in a heap mentally with no starch in me, no grip to try
to hold to any idea--just a heap of tired, dull mind and nerves, and
for my only desire that subtle, pushing desire to end it all quickly.
Once an odd thing happened. When I was collapsed like that, just
existing, suddenly there was a feeling, a brand-new feeling of letting
go of the old rubbish that was and somebody else pervading it through
and through and taking all the responsibility. And I held on tight,
something as I do to your letters, and the first thing, I was believing
that help was coming--and help came. That was the best day I've had
since I saw those devil doctors. Do you suppose that was faith? Where
did it come from? I'd been praying--but awfully queer prayers; I said
"Oh just put me through somehow; give me what I need; _I_ don't know
what it is; how can you expect me to--I'm a worm." I suppose that was
irreverent, but I can't help it. It was all I could say. And that
came, whatever it was. Do you suppose it was an answer to my blind,
gasping prayer?

Now I'm going to ask you to do a thing--but don't if it's the least
bother. I don't want you to talk to me about myself just now, any
more. And I want to hear more about North Baxter Court and such. You
don't know how that stirred me. What a worth-while life you lead,
doing actual, life-and-death things for people who bitterly need things
done. It seems to me glorious. I could give up everything to feel a
stream of genuine living through me such as you have, all your rushing
days. Yes--I could--but yet, maybe I wouldn't make good. But I do
care for "life, and life more abundantly," and the only way of getting
it that I've known has been higher fences to jump, and more dances and
better tennis and such. I never once realized the way you get it--my!
what a big way. And how heavenly it must be to give hope and health
and help to people. I adore sending the maids out in the car, or
giving