self for the journey
ahead? I can keep house satisfactorily on a satisfactory income, but I
shall have no house to keep; I can train servants, but I shall have no
servants to train. In any case I could have learned as much in one
year, and I've wasted eight! Not _wasted_, you'll say, as it was an
obvious duty to look after Martin's home, but the fact remains that the
years have gone by, and left me at the end, adrift, with the alternative
of living on charity, or working for myself, and no work that I can do!
Too young to be a housekeeper, too old to begin a training.

"It is a big problem, and must be gripped. I have many invitations,
enough to fill six months at least, but I've refused them all! I can't
frivol with that big question unsolved, so I'm going away quietly by
myself to think it out. The friends here are keenly interested, and
proffer advice, tinctured with consolation as follows: `Have you ever
thought of dispensing? I knew a girl who had such a good post, and
married the doctor. Of course you will marry, too, dear!'--`I'm told
there's quite a big income to be made out of fashion designing' (Can't
draw a line!). `Then you could go on with it at home if you married a
poor man. Of course you'll marry.' ... `You might be a matron at
Eton...' (Might I?) `How would you like to be a Cookery Demonstrator?'
(Not at all!) `So useful when you marry.'--`Charity Organisation Offices
need Secretaries. Couldn't you get your brother to get the Bishop to
write to say you'd be suitable?' (Story-teller if he did! I shouldn't.
Too much sympathy, and too little judgment, I'd give them money on the
sly!)

"`Dear Katrine! promise me _one_ thing,--that you will _not_ be tempted
to go on the stage!' (Vicar's wife having seen me act charades at a
mild tea fray.) `Wait patiently and trustfully, performing faithfully
the little duties that arise, and in good time...' (_She means the
curate_!!)

"Oh, dear, it's funny, but I'm not laughing. I'm trying not to ay. In
the horrid, ungrateful way we have, I realise for the first time how
well off I've been; how comfortable, and snug, and independent,
and--_necessary_! That's the crux of it all. I _was_ necessary--now
I'm superfluous!

"Well! here I am, you see, for the first time in twenty-six years really
at grips with life, about to experience for myself the troubles and
perplexities which so far have been mere matters of hearsay! I growsed
and grizzled about t