and having furnished that apology, the less
said about them the better.

The surgeons of Campbell did really want its patients to be happy and
get well; but it was a model institution, with a reputation to sustain;
was part of a system under general laws, which might not be broken with
impunity. There was no law against a man dying for want of sleep from
pain caused by misplaced muscle; but the statutes against litter were
inexorable as those of the Medes and Persians. The Campbell surgeons
winked at my litter, until one regular inspection day, when my cushions
and rags, clean and unclean, those marked John Smith, and those labeled
Tom Brown, were all huddled up and stuffed _en masse_ into the pantry
closet.

I used to wonder if the Creator had invented a new variety of idiot, and
made a lot in order to supply the army with medical inspectors, or, if
by some cunning military device, the Surgeon-General had been able to
select all those conglomerations of official dignity and asinine
stupidity, from the open donkey-market of the world. Inspecting a
hospital was just like investigating an Indian fraud. The man whose work
was to be inspected or investigated, met the inspector or investigator
at the door, showed him all he wished him to see and examine witnesses
wholly in his power--when the inspected and inspector, the investigated
and investigator exchanged compliments, and the public were gratified to
learn that all was in a most gratifying condition of perfect order.

One day we had a particularly searching inspection, and next day nurse
told me of some four new cases which had been brought in a week before,
one of whom the inspectors said was past hope. I found his feet and
legs with, a crust on them like the shell of a snail; had a piece of
rubber cloth laid under them, and with tepid water, a good crash towel,
and plenty of rubbing, got down to the skin, which I rubbed well with
lard. Then with fresh towels and water at hand, I drew away the sheet in
which the patient had rolled his head, and while I washed his head and
arms and breast, I talked, and he tried to answer; but it was some time
before he could steady his tongue and lips so as to articulate, and when
he did, his first words were:

"Are you the woman that's been a-washin' my feet?"

"That is exactly what I have been doing, and much need they had of it.
Do you not think you are a pretty fellow to have me come all the way
from Minnesota to wash your fee