owled at by a troupe of
Sicilian brigands armed with their national weapons--the garlic and the
guitar. I have been tortured by mechanical pianos and automatic
melodeons, and I crave quiet. But in any event I want food. I cannot
spare the time to travel nine hundred miles to get it, and I must,
therefore, take a chance here."

So, as above stated, he entered this certain restaurant and seated
himself; and as soon as the Hungarian string band had desisted from
playing an Italian air orchestrated by a German composer he got the
attention of an omnibus, who was Greek, and the bus enlisted the
assistance of a side waiter, he being French, and the side waiter in
time brought to him the head waiter, regarding whom I violate no
confidence in stating that he was Swiss. The man I have been quoting
then drew from his pockets a number of bank notes and piled them up
slowly, one by one, alongside his plate. Beholding the denominations of
these bills the head waiter with difficulty restrained himself from
kissing the hungry man upon the bald spot on his head. The sight of a
large bill invariably quickens the better nature of a head waiter.

"Now, then," said the enhungered one, "I would have speech with you. I
desire food--food suitable for a free-born American stomach on such a
day as this. No, you needn't wave that menu at me. I can shut my eyes
and remember the words and music of every menu that ever was printed. I
don't know what half of it means because I am no court interpreter, but
I can remember it. I can sing it, and if I had my clarinet here I could
play it. Heave the menu over the side of the boat and listen to me. What
I want is just plain food--food like mother used to make and mother's
fair-haired boy used to eat. We will start off with turkey--turkey _a
la_ America, understand; turkey that is all to the Hail Columbia, Happy
Land. With it I want some cramberry sauce--no, not cranberry, I guess I
know its real name--some cramberry sauce; and some mashed
potatoes--mashed with enthusiasm and nothing else, if you can arrange
it--and some scalloped oysters and maybe a few green peas. Likewise I
want a large cup of coffee right along with these things--not served
afterward in a misses' and children's sized cup, but along with the
dinner."

"Salad?" suggested the head waiter, reluctantly withdrawing his
fascinated vision from the pile of bills. "Salad?" he said.

"No salad," said the homesick stranger, "not unless you cou